Forgiveness.. for yourself

I think it was more than 20 years ago, when I, was a small runny-nosed boy, stumbling in every step, lifted a 10-pound solid brick to defend my self from my American neighbor who tried to scare me off with a small needle. Well he did scare me  so that this oblivious 7 yo inadvertently threw the brick to him…

Years and years after that incident, when I recalled the moment of fear, guilt and terrible overwhelming distress that came out as I was hiding under the couch, fleeing away from my enraged parents and sister, I said to my self, if only I could.. If only I could… throw the brick away, or If only I had  a better behavior on that time, or such and such and such..

Bad experience and mistakes are often engulfing us in such a perilous way, for me the pain, even when my brain has forgotten all the bad experience, is still remain. Few years ago I was working flat-out in few different places, just after broke up with my girlfriend. The frustration was so immense that everytime I spent a day off, I was literally trying to get a rid of all the strain in my neck, was so afraid, was so angry, was so desperate, and incapable of doing anything.

One psychologist by name of Eric Berne said-was further developed  by Thomas Harris– that our mind or brain is like a tape recorder which is playing the same message all and over again. Although along the way the development of that notion (of human mind being a tape recorder) was criticized by Arthur Janov, arguing that that analogy will gradually redirect our insight into diminishing the rich beauty of human mind into mere limited machine. He then simplified his exploration critic by saying that: through tape recorder to which we can hear, through video player to which we can hear and see, but they both don’t feel.

When fear and guilt came and still cling on our present mind, how then to get rid of those?

Perhaps the question is not to how to eradicate those past memories but how to put aside our energy that initially come from that place. Meaning that I believe the scar and pain is still there, and may remain till the end of our life, but when those, especially the destructive one, kick in how can I keep moving despite the overwhelming feeling that follow. I would say then instead of getting rid of those, forgive those, who we were and who we are now.

I was stumbled with this verse in which David or Daud or Dawud recited in his Psalm to the Lord

10″His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man, 11 The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love

Psalm 147 :10-11 NIV

Now I am not that expert Bible scholar who’s using lot of commentaries and Hermeneutics approach to perceive this, I am saying how this speak to me about my life. Took me a while to understand that word Fear the Lord. Having read some of the commentaries about that sentence, I found myself become aware about this question ” When will you be most likely to fear” and in this case ” When will you be most likely to fear the Lord”. The answer simply when I am doing thing morally wrong and wrecked thing, it is when.. It is when the Lord delights in me.. really is it?…or just my delusional..

When I did something bad, my brain will said to me Repent, you did terrible mistake you downgrade sloth!
or something similar. Do you believe the sentence “It’s ok, don’t worry” in the most screwed-up moment if your life? I don’t.

I believe on what Jesus said ” You reap what you sow”. Just few moment ago I was so busy indulging myself and closed myself from outside world, and ignore those who need help. In my selfish behavior I realized  that life is keep going on, whether I am death or alive, sick or healthy, sad or in great delight, it doesn’t stop the butterfly breach out from the cocoon in the yonder tree. But I believe for sure that things that happened around me is also determined by my action, the wrong choice I take, or the battle I win to dwell in the Righteousness. It does affecting the world, but the world yet still keep going on as it always and should be.

When God delight in me who fear him, again, it’s not mathematics form, , it is not merely servant who do whatever His master want, but it is who God is.. It is forgiveness.

When He knows where I am going, he know the wicked scheme I plan, doing it, enjoy it repent, doing it again, addicted, Fear , repent, feel safe, slipped down doing it.. fear, repent , and yet Forgiveness… The perfect world is : Fail, Repent, Flawless, But God knows who we are, we were formed from dust perhaps millennia ago, and it is forgiveness when we fear Him.

Richard Foster said When we fall and we know that we will fall again, we seek for Him and repent again and again.

He also quoted from Martin Luther .. that we have to ask forgiveness, repent everyday every single act or words we use in this world, keep asking of forgiveness.

Fear the Lord for me is the forgiveness that God has given me, not the other, not my tape recording brain form my upbringing. Forgiveness then mean to forgive ourself, when our hurt soul or our chemical brain said ” We must be punished severely by our sin, no mercy.. it is the end of my world”. It is for me, is to be gentle with my self to believe in His Unfalling.. Unconditional love, I am a conditional creature and live in conditional world.

Lot of people in the world cannot forgive themselves of all bad things they going through. Took me more than 1o  years to forgive myself and get closer to my purpose of life in God’s unconditional love.. in God’s forgiveness. And yet everynow and then stumbling some blockages, and put the utmost effort to repent, that’s the key I think, and forgive myself subsequently..

Gayle D. Beebe and Richard Foster wrote book called Longing for God they said

To love God purely because God is who God is- well, like I say, such experiences are rare indeed

In the End it is about Him, his Righteousness and His forgiveness.

I think it was more than 20 years ago, when I, was a small runny-nosed boy, stumbling in every step, lifted a 10-pound solid brick to defend my self from my American neighbor who tried to scare me off with a small needle. Well he did scare me  so that this oblivious 7 yo inadvertently threw the brick to him. IN THE NEXT MORNING this terrified 7 yo boy, along with her sister, came to the gate house of  this American boys family. I couldn’t name my  feeling, perhaps between scare, confuse and nothing on that time. Deeper in to the front park of this massive house, I saw him sitting in the verandah, with some bandage on his toe. He smiled at me..

I had been forgiven.. 


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